The Horoscopist

ARIES: You are now in the world Star Wars. You appear in front of Darth Vader and get stabbed by a light sabre.

TAURUS: Santa with a shot gun kills you.

GEMINI: Rudolph forgot his red nose because it was taken off by the barber at Santa’s Workshop.

CANCER: Um, all of a sudden all the reindeer in Santa’s crew find Darth Vader in an ice cave. Darth Vader blasts all the reindeer. Oooh pop up gum!

LEO: Santa’s crew forgot to bring the sleigh. They use a car.

VIRGO: You are inside Santa’s sleigh. The evil koala is behind you. I said, return of the koala.

LIBRA: Pam-pum! Santa forgot to give you your present.

SCORPIO: The koala from that other horoscope thought you were a human baby. You are actually Frosty the Snowman as a ten year old. Congratulations!

SAGITTARIUS: You are inside an igloo and the Yeti from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer thinks he killed you. Instead he had killed R2-D2. Chocolate?

CAPRICORN: You find Santa in an igloo with thousands of reindeer. The Yeti still wants to kill you.

AQUARIUS: You are stuck under ice. You get yourself out. You see Rudolph’s nose gushing with blood. You find his nose and attach it to him. Rudolph says, “That hurts.”

PISCES: It’s Minecraft Christmas. You are building yourself a cottage for the holidays. Yeah.

YOUR SAYING OF THE WEEK: “Where is Luke Skywalker’s light sabre, Dad?”