January 1 - January 7, 2012

ARIES:  Now that it is 2012 the koala bear has become even more violent. Yeah.
TAURUS: You’re having a New Year’s party then 17 spiders eat your cake. You go outside and scream because you’re scared of spiders. Then you watch spider shaped fireworks for the rest of the night. Then you wake up and there’s a spider on your nose.
GEMINI: Be warned. The world might end. It might.
CANCER: You don’t believe the Mayan Calendar. There are earthquakes and the world splits into two pieces. Two earths! You’re lucky!
LEO: Your New Year’s party guests find evil elves in the closet. They make everyone into elves, including you.
VIRGO: There’s a dragon on top of your house. Hi.
LIBRA: You get a headache so don’t play too much Wii. Dance instead, but don’t dismember yourself!
SCORPIO: Darth Vader likes your coffee. He also likes your party. 
SAGITTARIUS: You’re playing Mario Bros. on your Nintendo DS. You find a Mario hat on your couch. You are now Mario with evil scorpions.
CAPRICORN: It’s a tragedy. It hasn’t been snowing in your country. But it’s not a tragedy, I think.
AQUARIUS: It’s icy in the forecast. It never says icy!
PISCES: You’ve lost a game of slots in Vegas. The machines blow up and you get a thousand ships with thousands of dollars. Jackpot.
YOUR SAYING OF THE WEEK: “I’m going to have a happy 2012.”